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Jessica Leigh Lebos

When Jessica Leigh graduated with a degree in creative writing, she figured she'd be slinging lattes for the rest of her life, so she shaved her head, moved into a VW bus and set off for Alaska. Good thing the van broke down just north of San Francisco, because she just hates cold weather. Her baris...

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Bye-Bye Bread?

Ever since I can remember, eating large amounts of bready/carb-heavy food has induced coma-like effects on my body. A plate of pancakes sends me back to bed for hours. A po’boy on a  yummy soft ciabatta roll for lunch means I am USELESS for the rest of the afternoon, and one too many Olive Garden breadsticks puts me out faster than three glasses of merlot. My mom loves to tell the story about how I fell asleep on a bench at Fisherman’s Wharf when I was 8 after eating an entire bread bowl of clam chowder. 

It didn’t occur to me that I could have some kind of wheat allergy, even though I kinda started avoiding doughy things in my early 20’s and immediately lost 25 lbs. That was 15 years ago, and I still notice when I eat a few too many muffins, I start to resemble one.

I love to eat waaaay to much to be obsessive about anything except seeking out the best, freshest, tastiest food around, but I think I’ve got to get serious about cutting wheat out of my diet. I ate whole wheat sandwiches for four days in a row last week and might as well have set up a damn air mattress in my cubicle for how snoozy I felt.

Thanks to Brighter Day and its delish assortment of spelt and millet breads I won’t have to lick peanut butter and jelly off my hands for the rest of my life, but I’m going to have to kick bagels to the curb. Say au revoir to croissants. Ta-ta to pita. F*$k off, foccacia. (I could go on, but I need to pick up my kids from camp and the counselors don’t consider grammatical masturbation an emergency.)

I think I’ll still eat birthday cake though. I don’t think I could give it up. Just make sure there’s a lounge chair at the party so I can sleep it off.  

Anyone else share this bizarre condition?

I didn’t think so. *sigh*